Why is lying in bed so much more satisfying when you have stuff to do?
I can't remember the number of times I've said the phrase "I don't need people" in my head, along with all the other voices in there. I do remember the first time was elementary school in London though, which might be the reason when I need them they're not there. Excellent deduction huh?
For almost all of my life I have tried to come across as the perfect person, as I think most people actually do. I used to be nice, not do things that were considered wrong, want to help everybody and go way out of my way to make other people happy, even though many times that consisted in degrading myself to get a laugh out of everybody. I also said that my name was Alan Mauri, which was kind of a secret identity since Mauri is nowhere in any of my documents. The name “Alan James Dicks”, although not very marketable, is my gift, my hell. The people that got close to me were informed of my real name, but by then they knew me well enough for that to be of very little importance… We both got a good laugh about it and left it at that.
People don't say their faults for the most part. You have to be present in an extreme situation that you know the background behind to see how they will react to see what kind of person they really are, or you can just trust rumours and judge them that way, but that's the whole "hearing one and judging two" deal. good luck...
Once people got to know me they learned my quirks and down sides, but surprisingly enough, along with most human beings, they were minor defaults and were completely compatible with everything else, even when you didn’t hold them back.
It is cloudy to whether I was like that for acceptance or if I was really like that. Whether or not all of that, I guess that WAS me back then, since all those of events were mine to cherish or hate.
Recently I have given up trying to impress people right off & have changed all my emails to include the name Dicks in the “From” field. This creates some uncomfortable situations with people you hardly know or a friend you send a first email to, but I guess I must learn to live with it, as I have up until now. That’s definitely one thing I’ll never get used to... Dicks, great, haha.
All of this kind of screws people up in the whole first impression deal, since they will see I'm not as cool as the rest of people at first sight, and am probably a lot more antisocial than most of them.
I once had a discussion with a friend in TN about what was right and what was wrong. I said they were fixed values for every given person, but he answered yes to “So what’s right and what’s wrong depends on your mood?” which really threw me off at the moment but I agree with completely now. Depending on my opinion of you and my mood I will do everything in my power to make you happy, or try and keep you out of my life. |
